


Butter Me Up

by Fluffyboots



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Attempt at Humor, Comedy, Crack, Established Relationship, Hijinks & Shenanigans, M/M, One Shot, Sexual Humor, The Author Regrets Nothing, Yes butter cow, butter cow
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-13
Updated: 2020-11-13
Packaged: 2021-03-10 02:14:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,766
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27536647
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fluffyboots/pseuds/Fluffyboots
Summary: Eren and Levi have encountered many interesting things due to their jobs as event coordinators, but this is the first time they've ever seen a butter sculpture.
Relationships: Levi/Eren Yeager
Comments: 29
Kudos: 102





	Butter Me Up

**Author's Note:**

  * For [TempleMap](https://archiveofourown.org/users/TempleMap/gifts).



> This fic is mostly crack and is inspired by the butter cow sculpture that frequents the Iowa State Fair. 
> 
> Thank you Kris, Finn, and Andy for helping me _sculpt_ this idea. I hope you know that you're all responsible for this atrocity. Please enjoy (if possible) :D

Levi enjoyed his job. Being an event co-ordinator was well aligned with his eye for detail and perfectionist tendencies, and although it wasn’t what he had envisioned himself doing when he was younger, it paid the bills and was satisfying enough. He felt a sense of pride when everything came together and went off without a hitch.

  
The biggest bonus, however, was getting to work with his eccentric boyfriend. He had technically gotten Eren the job, but Levi still would’ve hired him even if they weren’t in a relationship. He was enthusiastic and filled with energy, and the younger man had a natural talent for charming clients in a way that Levi never could. They made an efficient team – along with Petra and a handful of underlings.

  
Today they were setting up for a small fair that was set to open tomorrow. Everything had been delivered and the stalls were going up, along with many different rides and displays to keep the guests entertained.

  
Levi had just finished setting up the chairs in the gazebo when he heard Eren’s alarmed shout.

  
“Levi, come over here! Quick!”

  
A million thoughts ran through Levi’s mind as he rushed out of the gazebo and towards Eren’s voice. Had he broken something? Found something? Had he accidentally knocked over the antique china display? What kind of horrific mess would he have to clean up next? And even more importantly – was Eren okay?

  
Levi homed in on the sound of his boyfriend’s cries, and it was only a matter of time before he found Eren freaking out amongst a bunch of trailers and temporary buildings that had been set up to house the displays. “Eren, I’m here. What’s happened?”

  
“Oh my god, Levi.” Eren turned to him with owlish eyes, his expression the pure embodiment of excitement and wonder. 

  
Levi scowled, realising now that Eren had given him a heart attack over nothing. “What?”

  
Eren pointed to the side. “Look!”

  
Levi followed his finger towards a display building with a giant glass window. He wasn’t surprised by what he saw inside it. He knew the contents of every item that had been delivered for the event, and he saw the owners setting up this interesting attraction just last night. What he didn’t know was why Eren had so vehemently requested his presence. “I don’t understand.”

  
“Seriously?!” Eren gawked. “It’s a fucking butter cow!”

  
Indeed, it was a butter cow.

  
A life-size cow made of butter.

  
“Yes, it is.” Levi stared at Eren’s incredulous face. “Is that all you needed?”

  
“How are you not amazed by this? Look at it. Look at that cow, Levi.” Eren huffed walked up to the glass window. “It’s so realistic. Like… like they just fossilised a real cow in butter.”

  
Levi resisted the urge to roll his eyes. “I promise you there’s not a real cow in there. It’s a sculpture.”

  
“A butter sculpture,” Eren said, voice laced with wonder as he looked in through the glass. His head turned to look back at him. “Can we go inside?”

  
“What? Why?”

  
“I wanna take a closer look.” Eren stared at him, then tilted his head and put on a goofy smile. “Please? This is the coolest thing I’ve seen in ages. Levi, pleeeaase?”

  
If Levi were a superhero, his only weakness would be those hopeful emerald eyes. It was only a matter of time before this brat cost him his job. “Fine, but only for a minute. We still have work to do.”

  
Eren’s face lit up with excitement. “Of course. Just for one minute!”

  
Levi sighed. Luckily, none of the other employees were around to see him do this. Was it a mistake? Probably. Did he have it in him to deny Eren such a simple request? Not a chance. He trudged around the small building to the narrow door at the back, fishing his keyring out of his pocket and finding that one that was used for all the displays. He unlocked the door, then held it open as Eren shimmied past him to get inside.

  
“Woah… look at its face.”

  
Levi walked in and closed the door behind him. The building had an AC cooling system installed and letting in the summer air was recipe for disaster. He went and stood next to Eren, right in front of the butter cow’s meticulously detailed head. Its eyes were unsettling; nothing but a pair of vacant, buttery orbs. “I didn’t know you had such a penchant for farm animals.” 

  
Eren hummed thoughtfully. “Do you think its salted or unsalted?

  
“How the fuck should I know?”

  
“I bet its salted,” Eren said. “Salt’s a preservative, right?”

  
“Does it matter?”

  
“Probably not… but aren’t you curious?”

  
Levi was already starting to question his decision to let Eren in here. “Not in the slightest.”

  
Appearing to ignore him, Eren crouched down to take a closer look while moving around the side of the cow. He eyed it with fascination, inspected everything from its buttery little hooves to the hair lines that had been carved into its tail. “Levi…”

  
The cautious tone of Eren’s voice was enough to send alarms bell off in Levi’s head. “No.”

  
“Can I taste it?”

  
“No,” Levi repeated. This was insane. How much was that cow worth? How many hours upon hours did it take to make? He couldn’t allow Eren to defile a piece of art that he had been given responsibility over. “What the hell is wrong with you? It’s literally just butter. I can buy you a whole tub on the way home.”

  
“It’s not the same.” Eren looked up at him with determined eyes. “How many people can say that they’ve tasted a butter cow? The opportunity is right here, right in front of me… no one will notice if I just have a little lick off the back.”

  
Levi frowned, not just at the idea but also how at how gross that sounded. “Are you dehydrated or something? Let’s go get you a glass of water and then–” He froze, eyes widening with horror as he watched Eren lean forward and touch his tongue to the side of the cow. “Eren!”

  
Eren chuckled while licking over the buttery hide, then playfully smacked his lips as he assessed the flavour. “I was right. It is salted.”

  
“Eren, that’s disgusting. Do you have any idea where that cow has been? It’s not intended to be eaten.” 

  
“Tastes fine to me,” Eren replied, and Levi could practically see the bad ideas rushing through his head as his eyes flicked over the sculpture. “I wish I had some crackers or something.”

  
Levi sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. Sometimes he couldn’t help but wonder why he loved Eren so much, even when he already knew the answer. Eren was handsome, charming, funny and considerate, among other things. The only downside was, well… this. Not that he actually cared about the butter cow’s wellbeing, but rather, he just didn’t want either of them to get into trouble. “All right, it’s been a minute, you’ve had your taste. Let’s get out of here.”

  
Levi turned of heel and walked back to the door, and his hand had just settled on the handle when he was interrupted once again.

  
“Hey, Levi… Levi, look.”

  
Levi was afraid to turn around, and when he did, he immediately regretted it. Eren had gotten down on his knees and leaned underneath the cow, his eyes now blinking up at Levi as he suggestively licked one of the udders. “Fucking hell, stop!”

  
Eren could barely contain his laughter while taking in the revolted look on Levi’s face. “What? It’s just butter.”

  
“I don’t care. That’s fucking gross,” Levi said with a grimace.

  
“Really?” Eren smiled as he went back for more, giving the buttery udder a little kiss before flicking his tongue over it. “This doesn’t turn you on?”

  
“No,” Levi said. “In fact, I’ve never been so repulsed.”

  
“I think you’re lying.” Eren smacked his lips and gave the udder a gentle suck, pretending it was a cock or god knows what else, then released it from his mouth a soft and erotic moan. “Mmn… it’s so creamy and delicious. I can’t wait to do this to you when we get home.”

  
“As if I’d let you anywhere near my dick with that greasy mouth.” Levi turned to face the door again, fully convinced that this horrendous image would be burned into his brain for the rest of his existence. “Are you done? The others will come looking for me soon, and I would hate for them to have to see this too.”

  
“Yeah, yeah. It was just a joke, and I know you’d never be able to turn down a blow–” Eren went silent, and his words were soon followed by a soft little plop. “Uh oh.”

  
Levi’s eyes snapped back to Eren, and he was mortified to see the udder Eren had been sucking on now laying on the floor. His mouth had melted it enough that it’s fallen straight off the cow.

  
Eren visibly panicked, his eyes flicking back and forth between the cow’s belly and the detached udder. “Shit, shit. I’m sorry, I didn’t know that would happen. Shit. We’re so dead!”

  
“You mean you are,” Levi said. He would never actually throw Eren under the bus, but the distraught and helpless look he received him was payback enough. “Can you stick it back on?”

  
“What?”

  
“The udder.” Levi gestured to the buttery appendage with his eyes. “Can you stick it back on? Just lick the bottom or something. See if it’ll reattach.”

  
Eren carefully scooped the udder up in his hands, then followed through with Levi’s instructions and licked the end that had broken off. Once it was warm and malleable, he stuck it back on the cow and squished it down with his fingertips. By some miracle it managed to stay in place, albeit a little bit wonky. “Let’s go, let’s go!”

  
They both hurried out of the room and locked the door behind them. They circled around to the front of the display, and Eren practically smacked his face against the glass as he stared in at the butter cow. Fortunately, Eren had chosen the udder on the opposite side to toy with, meaning that the wonky one was well obscured and not at all visible through the glass.

  
The cow was intact.

  
“I hope you know that I’m going to have to fire you for this,” Levi said.

  
Eren sighed and stepped back from the glass. “It was worth it.”


End file.
